"At the peak of tremendous and victorious effort, while the blood is still pounding in your head, all suddenly becomes quiet within you.
Everything seems clearer and whiter than ever before, as if great spotlights had been turned on. At that moment you have the conviction that you contain all the power in the world. That you are capable of everything, that you have wings. There is no more precious moment in life than this, the white moment, and you will work hard for years just to taste it again.
- Yuri Vlasov
typical exchange for me recently:
me: "i'm thinking of starting a blog."
the other person: "what's it going to be about?"
stick with me, dear reader. we'll get there.
first, some history.
the past three years have been chock-full of life for me. after grad school, things kicked into overdrive. i was able to keep the ball in the air for awhile...my ego was definitely having a great time. in truth, however, i was putting patches on a dam that was about to burst and flood my soul with the biggest reckoning i've faced so far.
almost two years ago, i experienced the tragic loss of a dear loved one. her death shook me to my core. this explosion to my little world was a force that was cataclysmic at the time. it was ugly in me; dark, and murky. painful. full of tears and anger and regret and guilt. inside (and on the bathroom floor), i screamed questions about everything: my faith, my relationships, my sanity. my work started to suffer. my husband didn't know me. we were broke. suddenly, i had fallen more deeply than ever before. i couldn't see out. some days, i didn't want to. i had become comfortable in the muck.
in hindsight, the funniest part is that i was in deep denial about it all. it's like i was asleep.
Mistress Misery rode my back throughout the days, like a giant black leech of despair and grief, threatening to suck the life out of anyone who stood in her path. she became my new identity, melding almost seamlessly with the selfish, controlling, diva persona that my ego had spent the previous twenty-six years crafting.
then one day, in one holy instant,
i woke up to life.
and everything changed.
i've been told more than once that the third decade of a life is all about figuring it out.
well. i suddenly find myself at the tail-end of my twenties, really awake. maybe for the first time.
i'm looking backwards, forwards, and all around. i feel no closer to knowing who i am. i don't know if i ever will.
and this is strangely ok, because i think i'm finally starting to understand who i'm not.
i'm not the ugly part of me that's been in so much pain. i'm not the part of me that inflicts pain on others. i'm not my body. i'm not even the myriad of emotions i feel, or the vicious thoughts that often race through this brain. in fact, none of us are any of those things. that way madness lies.
for the past year, i have been in relentless and passionate pursuit of happiness. i'm eating well. i'm sleeping. i'm painting. i'm exercising. and i'm reading...voraciously. i'm putting together the puzzle pieces of this life to figure out what causes me to be filled to the brim with serenity and joy.
which leads us to this blog. what will it be? i have no clue.
what i can say for sure is that i find myself craving a vehicle to connect with others through words. a little cyber-corner of comfort; a place to ask the big questions, tickle the funny bone, inspire creativity, share art, nurture self-love...and who knows? maybe a DIY tutorial or two. ;)
so, here goes.
may the Force and Gods of the Blogosphere be with me!